So recently, i’ve come to realise that there are times where I simply think too much. These times can seriously scare me and prevent me from doing simple things and things that make me happy. I’ll often think about going for a run and I’ll just sit on the sofa and think about the 100s of things that could go wrong. It didn’t take me long to realise just how unhealthy this is but it has taken me way too much time to figure out how to shift it and stop.
I put myself through hell when this happens, I really beat myself about the situation and it often ends with me not going anywhere or doing anything and I’ve got myself stuck in a situation where I can’t help but feel okay with that.
I’ve been really struggling in isolation, I’m on my own for 90% of the time, I’m having little contact with any other human beings (when I see someone else, I’m 2 metres apart at all times; don’t panic). I’m having little interest in doing anything and I’m really struggling to motivate myself. It’s been hard and since it got so hard, I applied for more counselling and I’ve been able to get some despite the recent events. I’ve reluctantly accepted the offer and I’ve decided that my mental health is my priority at all times.
I feel like a lot of my other-thinking stems from the sheer amount of pressure I put on myself on a day-to-day basis. I’m only 18 years old and before the lockdown this was what I was doing with my time:
- School for 35 hours per week with additional responsibilities including being the head boy and letting students into the school when they’re early.
- Revising for exams once I got home.
- Working part-time at H&M for 16 hours per week. This meant that I was doing something 7 days a week and got very little time to myself.
- Training to run the London Marathon in memory of my aunty
- Learning to drive
- Preparing for university
- Part-Time blogger
While all these things fulfilled my life with meaning, they added a lot of strain and meant that I barely got any time to myself despite enjoying everything I was doing. I could hardly relax and when I was given the opportunity to do so, I felt bad for not doing anything in the above list. It drove me crazy. If I wasn’t revising, I felt like I was failing even when I was suffering from tonsillitis. When this occurred, I was signed off of work for 5 days and I felt terrible for leaving my team without help. I also felt terrible for not revising for exams when I was ill. This was all so unhealthy and this is when my over-thinking hit what I thought would be a final peak. I was dramatically wrong. I believe that over-thinking when I was ill was the reason my recovery was so prolonged. I was unwell for weeks.
When I said that I was dramatically wrong, I meant it. Since being in lockdown, I’ve been sick to the pit of my stomach about everything I’ve done. While being in lockdown I’ve already over-stressed about the following:
- Will I be able to go back to work?
- Can I still go to university?
- Is my student finance application going to be processed?
- Can I move into my house when I want to?
- Where’s my money coming from?
- What’s going to happen to my future clients?
- How am I going to be able to keep my mental health in order?
- Where am I going to go if I need help?
- Am I going to get the grades that I deserve?
I mean, these are just a few examples of the things I’ve been struggling to come to terms with. While there are easily many more, I shan’t bore you. Despite all my worries, concerns and thoughts, I thought it would be a clever idea to start up 2 online businesses (more information to follow). This has just added to my stresses and while I’ve been distracted, I still feel like such a failure.
I hate feeling this way which is why I’ve decided to ask for help. Even though this is probably the most difficult and embarrassing thing for me to write about, I want you to know that it’s okay to talk about these things and it is definitely okay to ask someone for help. Whether you ask a friend or a professional, getting help is okay.
Take care, things will improve and get better.
Yugen – A thought about the universe which triggers an emotional response too complex for definition.