A little while ago, I wrote about loneliness. I focused on what it’s like to feel and be lonely and how we can push past it. I informed you that I suffer from loneliness and I feel lonely quite a lot. Unfortunately, this is still very much true.
Loneliness is more than ‘not having any friends’, loneliness can be sitting in a corner on your own by accident or on purpose but it can also be prominent when you spend your entire day surrounded by people yet you feel like a spirit that no one can see. This is what loneliness is like for me. For the last couple of days, I’ve been surrounded by about 50 other people while i’ve been assisting to run a summer camp at a local school. I have put on a brave face throughout most of it but I couldn’t help but feel like I wasn’t entirely there. When it was my turn to speak in front of the students, they all stared at me blankly. That was quite telling for me. Maybe I’m reading too much into it but there’s more.
I am a person who doesn’t have the most friends in the world and I’m glad this is the case. I would much rather have a few close friends instead of 100 ‘mates’. However, once I finished school for the year, I felt like I had no one. Please note that I haven’t dedicated this post to single someone out or moan at my friends. I’ve written this to suggest how these situations make me feel. I haven’t done an awful lot since I finished school and I promised myself that that wouldn’t be the case before summer began.
Anyway, forget that. I was speaking to someone about what I have outlined above earlier today and they told me that I need to be more selfish. I know I do. I decided to reflect on the last few times I was selfish and decided to do something because it was good for me. It just so happened that all the times I could think of all ended up in me getting hurt. That really sucks.
The problem that I have is that I base my happiness around people quite a lot. This isn’t always a bad thing but it is when you suffer from loneliness because you spend your whole day thinking about what you could be doing with people when you really need to be getting out there and doing it. Now, that sounds easy but when you combine that loneliness with depression and anxiety, it becomes slightly harder. But that’s okay. I want you all to know that it is okay to not be okay! However, it’s not okay to not talk about it. I’m not saying that you’re a bad person if you don’t speak out. I’m saying that it won’t benefit you if you bottle it up and there are people out there who want to listen to you.
“Even something stupidly simple like following someone on Instagram, petrifies me”
Sometimes, when I’m alone, I stop and think about what I’d rather be doing and the mistake that I always make is not making it happen. However, I’m sometimes too scared to reach out to those people or anyone for that matter. Making new friends makes me nervous since I always end up getting hurt. Even something stupidly simple like following someone on Instagram, petrifies me because I’m scared of their thought process of me.
What I’m trying to say is: reach out to me, please. It’s so much easier that way.
Yugen – A thought about the universe which triggers a response too complex to define.