I… Give up.

Personally, I think I deserve certain things in life. Happiness is one of those things. For a long while, I have felt a little alone and down. Some of you eagle-eyed readers might have noticed this from the huge lack of posts in the last 3 weeks. I apologise but I’ve needed some time to think things through. It really hasn’t been easy. I don’t really know what to do. Currently, I’m at this point where doing nothing isn’t enough and doing something is too much. I have very few friends and not a great social life which is why I spend so much of my time outside of school, at work. I really enjoy my job because the people I work with are fabulous but I don’t feel like I would class them as ‘friends’ because I work with them and don’t see them outside of work. We all get along really well which means I have some sort of escape.

Ultimately, this leaves me with not a lot. My family aren’t close and I’m different from most people. I don’t really understand why that is such an issue. People all around this world are different but feeling like you can’t be is difficult. I often feel trapped in myself, like I can’t escape from this cruel world that seems to have something so against me. 

The whole point of this today is so I can talk about how I’m feeling. I know I do it a lot but it’s sometimes easier to talk to the internet about how I feel instead of talking to a person. Anyway, does the word ‘lonely’ ring a bell? Yeah? Well, it still feels like that. It’s like I’m surrounded by all of these people but there are very few that want to know me. That’s hard. Mostly because I love people and I would love to have more friends and get to know more people but that just doesn’t seem possible anymore. Not having that special someone in my life make it worse because I feel as if I can’t share my life with anyone. Having a family who are all so distant and friends who you can’t or don’t get to see is really hard. I’m living life by myself, isolated, and that’s horrible.

I don’t have anyone to talk to and I haven’t for a long while. I’ve tried my best to get therapy but I’ve “had too much.” My mental health is deteriorating, and fast. I feel like there is nothing I can do about it like I’ve tried my best and that sucks. Ever been shut down so many times that you’ve just given up? Yeah? Me too. People are always urging me to go and meet new people and I’m trying but those people don’t have an interest in me. I’m always the one that gets put in the friend-zone. I don’t think they have any idea how that makes me feel. Despite this, I always do my best to try and make sure that they’re okay. I don’t dismiss them. I make them smile, I make them laugh and I’m here to talk to them when they need it most. I am so selfless and it comes with no rewards. Now, that may sound like the most selfish thing you’ve ever heard but when you’ve been like this for 2+ years, it’s not. 

All I really want for Christmas this year are people. People who will treat me the way I treat others. People who want me. People who care about me – that’s all I want, all I need.

Yugen – An emotional response about something which is simply too deep to put into words.

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