Broken. A word I use to describe lots of things in my life. A word I use when I think something can’t be fixed. A word I use when I don’t want them to be fixed.
Believe it or not, I throw this around a lot. I believe that lots of my relationships are broken. Broken beyond repair. Some of them I’m not sure if I want them to be fixed. I don’t have the time nor the effort to be able to fix them because I don’t believe that there is anyone who wants them to be fixed either. There is no way to get through to these people, I can’t tell them how I feel so, what’s the point? What is the point in me trying to climb the Everest of emotions if they won’t do the same?
I feel very unwanted and unloved. I have lot’s of people around me who say “you’re not lonely, you have loads of friends.” I don’t think they realise. I don’t need people to tell me that I’m not lonely, I need people to show me. I need to be able to know where to go when I feel the way I do right now. I need to be able to be confident in feeling okay when something isn’t right.
I can’t live the way I am. I really don’t like living here. I isolate myself to the point where I feel like a tenant in my own home. There are 12 animals in this house who need more attention than I do which means that I don’t get any. As I’m sure you guessed, the place is a mess. My room is a no animal zone, I don’t like them in here because it sets my anxiety off. I don’t know how to deal with that. Home doesn’t feel like a home, it feels like somewhere I have been wrongly placed. The people don’t want me here either, they don’t need me.
My family have been very broken since I was of a young age. I’m not sure if this is something I should be talking about but this is what my emotion is about at the moment. I don’t see anyone. I have a very closed off family and it’s upsetting. Even my parent’s rarely want to spend time with me. Don’t think that I’m being hyperbolic because trying to spend time with either of them is like making an appointment with someone like Mark Zuckerburg.
Results day – I was scrolling through SnapChat stories only to be faced with all of the year 11’s I have on the platform was out celebrating their results with their family. I didn’t get to do anything like that. I drove myself insane working for those results and it felt like it was for nothing. There was a huge build up and then nothing. Maybe I don’t deserve these things. I’m not always a good person. I’m stressed. I go to school for 40 hours a week, I work for 16 and then do all my extra school work in between. I have no time to relax and no one to do anything with. I can’t help being the way I am when I’m living the lifestyle I am. It’s not easy.
There was no easy way to write about all of this. I wish I could tell people that need to know to their faces but it’ll just be a bunch of excuses to them. Don’t forget: “My life isn’t stressful, I’m too young to be stressed. I should try living the life of others.” I’m told this a lot and I can’t keep hearing it. I’m trying so so hard to make people,e proud of me. To make myself feel like I have some value in life and not the monster that I can sometimes be. I feel like I have no recognition for how hard I work.
I just want to be loved and appreciated. Is that so much to ask? Maybe.
If you don’t like what I have written – I’m Sorry. I need you to know.
Yugen – A thought about the universe which triggers an emotional response which is too deep to put into words.