Maybe I’m just getting the feels, but whatever the hell is going on in my head is really messing with me. It’s almost like being sandwhiched mentally between a rock and a hard place. For the last few months, I have found insane amounts of difficulty in expanding my social circle and not worrying about what other people think or believe. You see, I lack the ability to say “fuck it.” But, when I do, I struggle to do it without thinking of any consequences or worrying about how it could impact myself or someone else.
However, more recently I have been attempting to grasp hold of any opportunity which flies in my direction. I believe that this has a very positive impact on my mental health because I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone. The one thing I fear is rejection and if this is what my life is all about then I don’t want to have to grow up. Like, seriously, It’s really scary. It shouldn’t be this bad. For me, rejection is someone straight up saying ‘no.’ You’re probably thinking that this is a really obvious explanation but it serves far more purpose to me.
What I’m really trying to say is that I’ve been pushing myself a lot recently and it seems to not be paying off which is a shame. Despite this I’m going to keep going. I refuse to give up.
Many of you know that I really struggle with being alone (I can sense so many of you sighing after hearing about this 100 times. Stay with me.) Anyway, I would mark it to be the biggest issue that I face. Not because I think that I wouldn’t be good at it (I’d be an awesome boyfriend, wink, wink.) It’s because even if I think that things are going amazing, I won’t do anything about it because I’m scared to be rejected. This is where it comes back to me not having the ability to just say “fuck it.”
Right now, I’m stuck in that. I want to do something and I belive that it would work out but the fear of that word “no” is something that I can’t prepare myself for. It’s not something that I wish to prepare myself for either. I really do just want to have a “fuck it” moment but I’m wondering if it’s worth it, if I’m worth it. No one should have to think like this but there are some situations where you have to take a step back and think.
I really do wish I could let it all out and just say how I feel but like most things, it’s far easier said than done. I just get this senstation rushing through me where I just feel on top of the world because of something that is going on in my life but, I won’t do anything about it. Seriously?!
I’m getting the feels. I’m craving doing something about it. It would be amazing for me. I am going to do something about it because I deserve to be happy. I truly am a good person and I do deserve to be happy. I will do something about. It’s so important that I push myself before it’s too late.
Yugen – A thought about the universe which triggers an emotional response which is too deep to put into words.