Sometimes, I feel like I’m repeating myself a little bit on here. I always feel like I’m talking about the progress that I’m making in life. I mean, I have made a lot over the last six or so months but most recently, I’ve had some changes occur in my life which have been fairly significant to my progress as a human.
I have been able to put a lot of my past behind me. If you know me well enough at all, I spend a lot of my time thinking about my past and how good or bad it was. To an extent, I loved doing it despite knowing the toxicity of what I was doing to myself. I think I loved doing it because I had a lot in my life. There were lots of positive people in my life and I have lots of happy memories but I know how important it is to live in the moment and move on when the time for those memories has expired. It’s good to look back and be positive but not to the extent where it makes you ill and basically dictates tour life – that’s a sign that it’s not quite right.
My problem is that I have difficulty with letting go. I struggle to let go of the things in life that were good to me. There isn’t always a reason why I struggle but sometimes I just feel like I have so little now that my past is the only thing that I still have that brings me some sort of memory. Obviously, this isn’t true. I’m surrounded by a huge ‘family’ who are very supportive of what I decide to do with my life.
The reason I believe why I put family in quotations is because I actually mean my large group of friends that I have. Some of these guys are from work, some are from school and others are just general people that I’ve met. Anyway, they’re all great in their own ways. But, I don’t get to see much of any of them. School friends I only really see at school and work friends at work. This is why I have issues with loneliness. I never really get to do much and it causes me to believe that I have no one.
There is no way that this is true. I could do anything I please with anyone but I find that I’m usually the one to make that happen and because I’m notoriously known for overthinking I believe that some people think that our friendships are forced and that they feel like they have no other choice but to spend time with me either because they have nothing else to do or because they would feel bad for saying no. I mean, I’m always up to doing something with someone, I love people and I love my friends – they’re great. But, I would feel bad if someone felt as if they had no other choice – that’s embarrassing.
Sometimes, I feel like I don’t fit in with the people that I surround myself with. I see a lot of my friends going away on holidays with each other and partying and I’m not like that. I’m okay with not being like that but it does mean that I often miss out. More than likely this is one of my overthinking episodes but hey ho, that’s just the way it is.
Yugen – A thought about the universe which triggers an emotional response too deep to put into words.