Back in time

So, I’ve decided to give myself some time to help myself get back on track with my mental health. It’s been a very long time coming because I’ve been putting it off in the hope that it will all come back and I’ll be ‘happy again.’ I’ve realised that that isn’t going to happen and I need to put myself first and start getting on with the next stage of my life. On the topic of going back, I have decided to share some diary entries about how I felt all that time ago. I think it’s good to address the problem before solving it.

04/05/17

I feel really upset and annoyed. I know i’ve said it all before and what not… but… there’s a girl I like… yes again i know but somethings different and I don’t know weather i like it or not. I mean it’s nice to have feelings for a person because it makes you feel warm but i don’t like it because I know i can’t be with her because she’s too good and i’ve never spoken to her before in my life.

I hate talking about it to someone or even thinking about it makes me feel strange. It feels so wrong. I hate it but i can’t control my feelings. If I like someone thats it there is no convincing me but because of the person I am I’m far too scared to say anything because it feels weird. Just being sat here at this moment in time typing this out is making me feel like what i’m doing is wrong. I’m not doing anything that isn’t right or out of the ordinary. I just really like her but to me that feels weird.

Its horrible. It makes me feel like I’m a very wrong person like I’m not the person that shouldn’t be approached and I hate that feeling so much. I have no idea in hell why this is all happening but I do know that its a horrible thing to have to happen to me. It affects my friendships i feel like I’m being so rude to some people but i don’t think I’m that sort of person.

What am i doing wrong. Seriously what have i done to deserve this. I love the feeling of love its what makes me happy in my eyes there is nothing nicer than being loved by someone not in your family as it gives you a feeling of protection and makes you feel more adult like which is something I really like.All I want is to be with someone I really like for the rest of my life. I would do so much to be with the person I like but I can because I’m not good enough or I’m too scared to even say hello. I struggle to walk into lessons if I’m late because I become very easily scared of what some people think. I can’t even say hello to friends without becoming very embarrassed like I’m talking to royalty.

When I feel this way i often touch or itch my face as a way of comfort. It doesn’t help it kind of just makes me feel worse. I can’t even talk to new people anymore let alone be with them. But i don’t know how to deal with it. I hate this.

07/04/17

As the week draws to a close my emotions don’t. In fact they’re so much worse then I thought they would ever be and I hate it. There is nothing I can do about anything the situation is spiralling out of control and more importantly out of my way. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t concentrate in lessons anymore and why might that be? Because i’m too worried about being loved and having friends and having all the things I feel like i need in life rather than trying to separate myself from all of those things.

Things seem to come easily to everyone else around me. They seem to be able to get loving relationships and friendships at the drop of a hat when I can’t even say hello to someone I like because I worry far too much about the consequences. I can barely even talk to any of my friends anymore because I feel like i’m not worthy of their friendship. I don’t feel like i’m good enough for anyone anymore. It’s almost like my life is over before it has begun and i can’t save that. I feel like I’m not included in anything anymore due to the sheer amount of stress I’m putting on myself.

I struggle to do many things in life as it is without wanting to talk someone being another one. Why? Why is it that this is something I have to deal with and something I have no control over what so ever. All I want is to be able to lead a successful and a happy life with friends, family and things that I enjoy. But i’m too pathetic and scared to do any of that anymore.

Imagine being the most confident you’ve ever been in your life. Everything is going amazingly for you almost like its too good to be true but you’ve got your head so far up in the clouds that you don’t think of the consequences that could cross your path on the road to a great life. Well imagine that and then think about what it would be like to have everything you ever loved snatched away from you over night. Imagine what it’s like to be put down by peers around you about how they think they’re better than you because you got something wrong. Well both of those elements are how I feel. I really want to be with someone loving and caring but because people put me down about who I am and what I do I’m now far too scared to put my hand up in class to answer a question that i’m really good at answering as I feel i might have the shit torn from me for it even if i get one tiny part wrong.

Beside that point I have the problem of not being able to talk to people due to sheer terror of what those people could think. I can’t talk to anyone anymore weather it be my best friend or someone I seemed to have developed feelings for. It doesn’t matter who that person may be I can’t seem to talk to them. Its a painful experience to go through, after all you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and right now… well… I’m not taking any risks or any shots without running them through someone first. But a lot of the people I talk to don’t completely understand how I feel and what my situation actually is and I can’t blame them for that after all if I don’t tell someone how i feel they are never going to know. This again is one of the reasons I’m so afraid to talk to people.

What can I do tho? i’ve put my self in some really awful situation and I want to break free but in order do so i need to break through the brick wall of fear otherwise I’m going to be keeping my feelings trapped behind this wall and I’m going to end up making things so much worse for myself. The only way I can break free from all of this is by sucking it up and realising that I am the one in control of the situation but once again I’m afraid of talking to anyone and I don’t really know why. All I know is that I’m scared of the judgement and I just need to find a way of getting over it all weather that be by facing my fears full on or step by step is another thing I yet need to decide.

I need to find a sensible and mature way to deal with this situation before I allow myself to get worse.

So yeah, as you can see, things weren’t great for me but I’m ready to move on with my life now and start getting myself back on track. Let’s do this!

Yugen – An emotional response about the universe which is too deep to put into words.

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