First off, I just want to say a MASSIVE thank you to you all for coming and reading all of these posts. This is in fact, the 75th post I have made to Yugen and I’m so excited to do 75 more. None of this would have been possible without the Yugen crew by my side. I’d personally like to thank:
- Karman Rose – Head of “Karman’s Korner”
- Cameron Brodie – Longest term follower
Thank you to all the viewers and followers too! Keep reading, more to come soon!
Anyway, today I will be talking about one of my first big encounters with anxiety and the reason I developed into such a nervous and upsetting character. Please be aware that this is not easy for me to write about as it mostly discusses my first heartbreak which isn’t easy for me to talk about. But I’m doing it today to prove that I can do it!
It all began in March 2016. I met this amazing girl who ultimately changed my life in what I had thought to be the better. Little did I know, I was terribly wrong. But, I was living life at the moment and that moment was probably one of my most favourite. Anywhom, for 5 months, I was madly in love and I enjoyed every moment I spent with my partner. She felt like my best friend as well as my Girlfriend and that was the best part about the whole thing. We used to go out on dinner dates and just mess around in public and it was fun. At that moment, there was nothing that could stop me from feeling on top of the world.
September hit, she had just come back from holiday and I had never been more excited to see her but something was really not right. She wasn’t the girl I knew and loved. Something had drastically changed and I obviously wanted to know what. I must admit, I did not go about finding out in the right way. I became very frustrated when she insisted that nothing was wrong but, I couldn’t help but feel like she was different. So, I decided to take her word for it and tell her that I would always be a text away if she ever needed me. Reluctantly, I let it go.
If I’m honest, after this, I didn’t really notice a change in the relationship. It was mostly the same as it was before she went on holiday and I quite liked that. It felt like things were normal. Unfortunately, I was wrong. However, we carried on as normal until it hit me that I was wrong.
The night we ended things was not a pretty one. It was hard for both me and her and I couldn’t help but feel that I had ruined things completely and really hurt both me and her and I felt like this for a long time. For roughly 9 months after the break-up, I was a mess. I was given counselling and therapy because of the negative thoughts that I was facing but nothing was working. I needed to tell myself that enough was enough and I knew I needed to do that but, I couldn’t. I felt almost like I didn’t deserve to feel happy and that I would never feel it again. This may sound drastic but, it’s what my anxiety does to me. It forces me to feel crap about myself and I struggle with that.
After all of this, I did become an anxious mess but luckily, I was able to overcome this with the help of some of my most amazing friends. I also had a stable job behind me and, at the time, everyone was being super helpful and friendly to me as a colleague. I can’t thank my team enough and I do miss them but it was time for me to move on :(.
Despite all of this, I am now climbing back to the top. I got some amazing exam results for my GCSEs and I went out and got myself a new job too! I cannot wait to get started on A-Levels and my new job. Let’s see what life still has to throw at us shall we?
Yugen – An thought about the universe which triggers an emotional response too deep to put into words.