Oh Jeez, this was something that I never wanted to write about but I think it might help clear some things up. Strictly speaking, I’m only really writing this for one person but it might be helpful for a few of you to see.
So, wtf is going on?
Woah, slow down there buddy, that’s one I can’t really answer at this time. I’m not really sure why but I have a hunch that it’s because so much is going on that I’m not too sure where to even start. What I can say is that things have been getting better recently. I have been able to get the help I need but I’m still feeling a little bit lost. I mean, I might have the help that I need but I don’t feel like I always have the right influences in life to support me through that. I have some of the most amazing friends out there but I can’t help but feel like I bring them down with me. This is mostly the reason why I struggle to make new friends or tell someone that I think I’m right about something.
Anyway, to put it in simple terms, I feel like a confetti cannon. You might be thinking “wtf” but, let me talk you through it.
In basic terms, I feel like sometimes I am able to have all my feelings and problems in one canister and I can keep them there, under control. But, other times, someone causes the cannon to explode and I no longer have control of my thoughts or feelings. This means that I am unable to comprehend what is going on around me. I will start to ask 100 questions and answer 100 more. I could make myself feel awful about the situation even if I might be wrong about it.
For now, I’m learning to control that but, I’m currently in the ‘exploded cannon’ stage and that is why I am able to write about it all.
I feel like I have messed a lot of things up recently. I feel like I have hurt a lot of people too and I can’t always bring myself to apologise hence why I’m writing about it. To those of you who this is aimed at (you should know who you are), I hope you are starting to understand what is going on in my head. If not, feel free to ask.
Recently, I have let a lot of people down for the sake of my own mental health. Did they deserve it? Hell no! But, did I do it? Unfortunately, yes :(. I hate upsetting someone, it’s the worst feeling for me especially when that person is trying so so hard to either keep me in their life or to make me feel better.
*Disclaimer* I’m unintentionally holding back tears here.
Right, where were we? It sucks to let down a person who is trying hard to keep you in their life, believe me. I didn’t EVER want to let that person down and thinking about it, I’m not sure why I did. I have allowed my anxiety to take over recently and I don’t want to let that happen anymore. I’m not prepared to allow such a disease to take over my life. That isn’t fair.
What can you do?
This might be a selfish part of the post but I need you to read this carefully.
- Respect for a decision I have made – Oh, it killed me to type that because I know how selfish it is and how hard it is to take that advice but it’s the best thing for me. If the decision I have made is the wrong one. I will fix it sooner or later (that’s what I’m attempting to do now :/)
- Be yourself – There is no need for you to “tread carefully” because it will help me massively if I know you’re still by my side if you want to be.
I hope this helps you to understand what is going on.
Yugen – An emotional response about the world too deep for words.