Not too long ago, I posted this on facebook:
“Something some of you should know about me:
I will always feel like something is my fault and feel like I’ve upset someone even if I haven’t spoken to them all day. Don’t ask me why this happens, it just does. Even if someone is spiteful to me, I’ll convince myself that I was horrible and I hurt them.
The problem is, lots of people take advantage of this factor about me because they know that it means that I will apologise for something first and I will “mend everything” but, if someone apologises, it means that they care about what has happened and wish to seek forgiveness from someone about a recent upsetting event. So, when I apologise, it’s because I care about the relationship which has broken down as a result of the event.”
What I was attempting to explain was the fact even if I know that something has nothing to do with my actions or I know for a fact that it’s not my fault. It’s only a matter of time before I start looking at the situation from a different perspective causing myself to believe that I have done something massive and messed up completely. It’s a really bad feature that I have and I would, in fact, consider it to be one of the worst ones but sometimes I realise that there must be a reason behind it. There has to be something that causes me to feel this way and convince myself that I’m a terrible person but, I believe the truth is that I do this because I care. I care about my relationships between people too much to the point where I feel like their mistakes are mine. That might sound crazy but unfortunately true. 😦
So, why is this such a problem?
You see, I’m not sure that it is. Sometimes, I think that it’s a good thing for me to care but I do care too much. If I allow people to recognise that I will let them walk all over me like a carpet, then they will do exactly that and I can’t have that on my shoulders because it will mean people will do what I’m allowing them to do which is heartbreaking. It’s shocking to know that people will go to great lengths to be so unkind but, at the same time, it’s believable.
We are currently living in a world where all of the bad and unkind people are given all the attention because the press and authorities believe that it’s good to name and shame these people to allow them to recognise what they have done. But, aren’t we just putting these people on a pedestal? I mean, take all the good kids at school for example, how do they get praised for their good work? They don’t always get to go and see someone with the authority to be praised but the ones who are so careless and horrible to other students have no choice? I mean, does that make sense? I don’t think so.
All, I’m saying is that there is nothing wrong with being apologetic to people and being careful but sometimes we have to learn that these things aren’t always our fault. There isn’t always something we can do to correct something but if there is, we should try.
Yugen – An emotional response about the universe too deep to put into words.