Ugh, I hate them. If you know me well enough then you should know that I hate confrontation. The idea of people being tense and not getting along upsets me because of the way my mind is programmed. When I argue with someone I often release everything that is on my mind and it never usually goes well. It usually just ends up with me trying to spill everything that is on my mind and upsetting a bunch of people along the way. There is never a way for me to have a simple argument because I don’t know what one is at this point. I have never been able to straightforwardly tell someone what’s going on, I always end up going off on a tangent.
The reason, I’m writing this today is mostly due to the way I just treated some of the people I care about. I struggle in certain situations to be the person that I am and it’s hard to explain that to most people. It’s embarrassing, to say the least, but sometimes it’s the way I feel. I really can’t help the fact that I have good and bad days and unfortunately, today was a bad day. A day where I felt that the world was completely against me. even the people who were closest to me at one point couldn’t even make me feel better and I was really horrible about it. I needed something from them and it hurt to know that they wouldn’t let me have it. Because I was so worried about what was going on in my head and what will happen at the moment that I failed to see where they were coming from and to be honest, I still am. I tried explaining how I felt but it wasn’t working. There was nothing I could do and I just kept talking and it didn’t help. I wish people could understand my situation with anxiety but because it’s so complex, it’s difficult to understand.
Anyway, I highly doubt that you’re all reading this but if you are I wish you could all understand how I feel. I know that understanding is difficult but honestly, I don’t understand myself. So, to group 3: I’m sorry, I believe that where I was coming from was reasonable but if you don’t, I understand. I want you all to know that the way you supported me through NCS was incredible. I didn’t deserve such a nice group of people behind me but I’m glad I did. I didn’t want to make you feel like I was being spiteful or selfish. I just wanted you to know how I feel. I understand if you don’t want to accept that but I wanted you to know that I cared.
“Sometimes you have to be selfish to save your own life”
Yugen – An emotional response about the universe too deep for words.