The title of this post has been quite meaningful to me for the past few months. I noticed that I seem to apologise a lot and it bothers me. It mostly bothers me because of the fact that I often say sorry for something either completely meaningless or something that is clearly not my fault. The reason I do this is that I care too much about the people that I’m often saying sorry to. I don’t like losing a person in my life because it makes me feel like I’ve done something completely awful. Besides, I can’t bear to be hated by someone because it makes me feel terrible.
The word “sorry” itself meant to feel regret for something that you’ve done. When we use the word we do it to show that we feel remorse for something that might have recently occurred. It’s thrown around a lot because of the way that society has changed and how easy it can be to offend or hurt someone. However, people like me apologise more often because we genuinely feel bad for a very small situation. It’s really hard to understand for the other person because they will either get why you’re doing it or think you’re too emotionally unstable. This sucks because you know that it’s actually because you care about that person so much that you don’t want to risk damaging that relationship with the person.
I will always feel like something is my fault and feel like I’ve upset someone even if I haven’t spoken to them all day. Don’t ask me why this happens, it just does. Even if someone is spiteful to me, I’ll convince myself that I was horrible and I hurt them.
The problem is, lots of people take advantage of this factor about me because they know that it means that I will apologise for something first and I will “mend everything” but, if someone apologises, it means that they care about what has happened and wish to seek forgiveness from someone about a recent upsetting event. So, when I apologise, it’s because I care about the relationship which has broken down as a result of the event.
When you can’t help but feel like everything is your fault, you often feel uncomfortable during a confrontation mostly because you can’t help but think that whatever is going on is going on because of you. The annoying part is that this usually causes your anxiety to kick in and you can start to panic. This is another problem which comes with feeling like everything is your fault.
There have been times in life where I have been somewhere else and something begins to kick off right in front of me and I sit there thinking that it’s all my fault and I become really anxious worrying that the situation could escalate really quickly. more often than not, it doesn’t but it’s scary to think that it can happen. This is usually why you continue to consider it as an ‘option’.
Feeling like everything is your fault isn’t pleasant it makes you feel like public enemy number 1 and it’s often a feeling that you can’t escape.
Yugen – An emotional response about the world too deep for words.